Poisonous thoughts

Saturday night. Drinks with Tina and Nina downstairs. Girly talk and not so girly talk. And with two of three being single, dating was discussed. And once again I got to hear from Nina, the theories of why I am (still) single, ventured to Nina by someone in my closest circle.

Apparently I'm too much of a friend with guys. And there might also be a risk that I'm afraid of being in a relationship again. The fear thing, fair enough, I think I have reasons for that (not I think I feel that fear), and they're probably threefold. But there we were again, me hearing about the friend theory. Told by someone who's since she was 17 or something hasn't been single for more than a few months. And that one time in between then and now that she was single, she got back together with the guy she was with when she was 15 or 16. So spare me your thoughts on why I'm single.

But once again, a poisonous seed was planted. And as much as that person's theory is putting the fault on me, I've been doing the same. Wondering if the blame is to be put on me. Maybe it is my fault? But at the same time, knowing that it isn't. I don't like it. It reminds me too much of how my ex made me become my own worst enemy.

The dream I had Sunday night didn't exactly help either. With my ex coming back to haunt me, treating me in the dream like he used to do. And to top it all of, in front of the faulty toy. I woke up angry and sad. But mostly angry. And as Monday went on, the dream hung to the back of my mind like garlic on your breath. I couldn't help to think if my sub conscience was trying to tell me something.

With that being one of today's topic in the web of thoughts, the first tweet I read today was "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option", followed by "Often it isn't holding on that makes us strong but letting go". Written by my latest Twitter friend jmabell. 


If I'd chosen to listen to Signs by Bloc Party first thing this morning, it would've been bulls eye. 


At least I escaped the dark cloud hanging over this week with an hour Skype chat with Ida.


On my own again, just me and my thoughts. Fuelled by a little bit of red wine. And music. 


I'm just gonna start working on a pep talk list. If anyone thinks they can help; don't be shy. Just bring some booze.