Buzzing

That buzzing feeling inside. I can feel it in my arms, all the way to my finger tips. I can feel it in my legs, all the way to my toes. It makes it feel like my heart is beating faster. I don't know if it actually is.

On the outside, nothing. Nothing showing what's going on on the inside.

It's that buzz that makes me wish I could get up from my chair and just run. Run. Run until my lungs are hurting, my legs are cramping and I'm drenched in sweat. Maybe then will the buzzing stop.

The buzzing that makes me think if I just relaxed I would snap.

If I could, I would get on a plane and head home home for a few days. To the people who have known me for more than 2 years, the people who knew me before so many things happened. To the people who always make me feel safe. To the people where no games exists. Where I can see the familiar things, breathe in the familiar air, smell the familiar smells. Where I don't have to try so hard.

I just want to rest. I'm so tired. Just a few minutes rest. Or a few hours. Where it's quiet.

Man overboard / Man överbord

The years have gone
they lie like wrecks on the bottom
Once you left it all
you were young, you were salt
it was a one-way trip to the top
You turned words into gold
now they sink like stones in the water
The wheels turned round
you were everyone's king
to know you was a feather in the cap
Now the game's serious and dark
and you stub your cigarette out
you light another, it's okay
now it's all much better
She came like a queen
she invited you to her table
she passed you the poison
and you could never get enough
Man overboard
Man overboard 

I remember you one morning
we took Västerbron over toward Söder
And then we parted
you said thanks and I'm sorry
but you're hardly the man that I need
And I saw you one night in a bar
with your new story
It was an old acquaintance
and I hated everything
your laugh and your bleached-blond halo
I heard that he's left you
for someone a few years younger
how do you feel now, heart of mine
is everything a little heavier
Memories hunt you from bar to bar
and when the bouncer carries you out
he shouts:
Man overboard
Man overboard
Man overboard  

And you walk like a dead man 
Through a dead city
And you sleep among the ruins
It's all you have
Even the clocks are running backward
And you get no reply
Just the message she wrote
A key, a few words
Man overboard
Man overboard   

I've driven to a house by the sea
and I've closed the gate
People talk so much
someone pays, someone thinks
here it all blows away in the wind
There are moments when I've wished
that everything would be over
When my heart stands still and the words fail
it hurts, even though nothing's bleeding
Once everything was free
now it's high time for someone to pay
The seconds are ticking
you already hear how
they start to defame you
For those such as us
there's neither peace or quiet
we are pieces in a game
that's called:
Man overboard
Man overboard  

- Eldkvarn
----------------------------------------

Åren har gått
dom ligger som vrak på botten
En gång lämna du allt
du var ung, du var salt
det var en enkel resa mot toppen
Du gjorde orden till guld
nu sjunker dom som stenar i vatten
Hjulen snurrade runt
du var allas kung
att känna dig var en fjäder i hatten
Nu är leken allvar och svart
och du fimpar cigaretten
du tänder en till, det är rätt
nu är allt mycket bättre
Hon kom som en drottning
hon bjöd dig till sitt bord
hon räckte dig giftet
och du kunde aldrig få nog
Man över bord
Man över bord  

Jag minns dig en morgon
vi gick Västerbron över mot söder
Sen skildes vi åt
du sa tack och förlåt
men du är knappast den man jag behöver
Och jag såg dig en kväll i en bar
med din nya historia
Det var en gammal bekant
och jag hatade allt
ditt skratt och din blonderade gloria
Jag hörde att han lämnat dig
för nån som var några år yngre
hur känner du dig nu, hjärtat mitt
är allt lite tyngre
Minnena jagar dig från krog till krog
och när vakten bär ut dig
ropar han:
Man över bord
Man över bord
Man över bord 

Och du går som en död man
Genom dödens stad
Och du sover bland ruinerna
Det är allt du har
Till och med klockarna går baklänges
Och du får inget svar
Bara lappen hon skrev
En nyckel, några ord
Man över bord
Man över bord   

Jag har åkt till ett hus vid havet
och jag har stängt grinden
Folk pratar så mycket
nån betalar, nån tycker
här blåser allt bort med vinden
Det finns stunder när jag önskat
att allting skulle va över
När hjärtat står still och orden sviker
det gör ont, fast ingenting blöder
En gång var allt gratis
nu är det hög tid för nån att betala
Sekunderna tickar
du hör redan hur
dom börjar förtala dig
För såna som oss
finns varken lugn eller ro
vi är brickor i ett spel
det kallas för:
Man över bord
Man över bord 

- Eldkvarn  

Freelove

If you've been hiding from love

If you've been hiding from love
I can understand where you're coming from
I can understand where you're coming from
If you've suffered enough
If you've suffered enough
I can understand what you're thinking of
I can see the pain that you're frightened of

And I'm only here
To bring you freelove
Let's make it clear
That this is freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

I've been running like you
I've been running like you
Now you understand why I'm running scared
Now you understand why I'm running scared

I've been searching for truth
I've been searching for truth
And I haven't been getting anywhere
No I haven't been getting anywhere

And I'm only here
To bring you freelove
Let's make it clear
That this is freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

Hey girl
You've got to take this moment
Then let it slip away
Let go of complicated feelings
Then there's no price to pay

We've been running from love
We've been running from love
And we don't know what we're doing here
No we don't know what we're doing here

We're only here
Sharing our freelove
Let's make it clear
That this is freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

- Depeche Mode

Something

This nothing is something. I'm beginning to realise that. But we don't talk about it. It's just there.

Like an elephant in the room.

Today's surprise in music is me listening to Håkan Hellström, I've rediscovered him I think. Didn't fancy him much a few years ago. Now I'm thinking... This shit ain't too bad.

This is a tune - Kom Igen Lena

And a damn catchy one

Me. Me. Me. Me.

So yesterday was Tuesday. Every week I dread that day. Thinking, knowing, preparing myself for a shitty day.

But this Tuesday, came with a little something that left a good feeling. From yesterday and a week on, I will have the flat to myself. And that feels really good. In fact, it makes me want to say "Halleluja". But in a non-religious way. 

Of course.

I have a few weird small cuts on my fingers from Saturday's rumpus.

The day got a hell of a lot better around lunch time, when I went on the Roskilde site, to see what new band they've announced to headline the festival. 

It said "Them Crooked Vultures". Inside me a scream built up, but being in the office, it wasn't the right place to start shouting and jumping around. My eyes welled up, adrenaline was rushing through my body and all I could think of was to tell Anna. Tell Anna! TELL ANNA! And then tell the chef. 

Amazing. 

That was the silver lining of yesterday. The grey cloud trying to overshadow the silver lining was my laptop. It needs to be wiped clean of all data, all that data that somewhere has a malware program hidden in it. 
It needs to be wiped beyond recognition. So wiped, not even it's mom would be able to identify it. Or the dentist.

I was thinking of going geeky and install Ubuntu instead. Away with nasty Windows and go yay with open source. That's pretty hardcode geeky. For me. I don't mind it, but it will require a little more effort from me. And why not? Might as well pick up a few new tricks, because I don't have the money to buy a new one right now. 

And Sweden beat Great Britain in the first curling match. And later on the ladies of Sweden beat Denmark in their first curling match. 

And Sweden won a second gold. 

But my detox went out the window. I blame the chef for that.

Hit

Monday's no fun, Tuesday's the same
Wedensdays might go out, at least something
Thursday's the day after Wednesday
Firdays I go out, at least something

hit, who's calling this a
hit, well I deserve a
hit, calling this a
hit, I don't deserve it

mon...mon - day's...day's - no...no - fun...fun
tues...tues - day's...day's - a...a - waste...waste
wedne...wedne - day's...day's - I...I - go...go - out...yeah?
oh nothing
Thursday's headache, and I deserve it
Friday's I go out, at least something

hit, who's calling this a
hit, well I deserve a
hit, calling this a
hit, I don't deserve it

- The Wannadies

Tuesday

ARGH!

Where are my crayons?

The text of the day (perhaps even of the week) arrived in my inbox this morning

8:36am
When a dog is hanging his head out a moving car window what exactly is he thinking? What will happen tomoz? Is this all there is? Course not, he is thinking about the wind in his hair. Choose life, be the dog ;) have a lovely wed x

And from yesterday, my favourite was
9:50pm
If i could use facebook, i would put the link to the Yes website on your wall and say "should we try it?"

I have faith in February

It's a new week and also a new month. 1st of February 2010. The first February of the new decade.

Ignoring the fact in all cynism that this month holds the big commercial love day, I have faith in February. January is the month that's still in the last year, with expectations for the new year, beginnings of New Years resolutions and sometimes ending them before they properly began taking an effect.

January was... turbulent. It started well good in Jamaica, but the two weeks following the trip was filled with a little joy (at least the first few days after the return to the UK), anger, jet lag, feelings of being fed up, confusion and... I think that was it. I sure had had enough when the hours ticked it's way towards 31 January.

And in all that new month, new beginnings, new ends spirit I will unload what's on my mind, even though it might not be according to any rules made up by surely an idiot a long time ago, I will make clear what I want and not caring about the effect.

But the end to January 2010 was much better than the middle of it. Saturday contained a vodka fuelled boogie in Richmond with Mie and Tina. Lot's of dance moves, cocktails, shots, weird men and guards watching these men, a burger and chips before bed, sleep, no hangover, TV film, then 500 Days of Summer, Thai food, Lars and the real girl, being Sunday lazy.

We decided and planned the theme for the next house party. The theme is wickedly brilliant and we're so proud of it. But it's still a good month and a half before it takes place, so hush hush and wait and see.