Are we gonna have dessert or disaster?

Are we there yet?

It's Friday. And I'm painting it blue and yellow, listening to the very early ABBA. When the male part of the constellation did quite a bit of singing.

Sister moves out from her house today. Today the change begins. I look at the uncertain outcome of this change with a tablespoon of curiousity, 0.5 gram of something like fear, and a pinch of mixed feelings.

(Hang on, was that an attempt to joddling at the end of "People need love"?)

7 more drives with Byron. It's going to be empty without him in the car.

Are we there yet?

Looking for arms to steal

These past few days the crave for a pair of arms to crawl into has gotten bigger and bigger. A pair of arms that would make me feel safe and where I could just stop listening to others and myself for a while.

I just want to rest. Close my eyes for a little while and pretend the world out there doesn't exist. Or exists in a better universe. Be somewhere where no one demands things from me, where I don't have to feel quilty for not sympathising or thinking "You started it, I can't feel sorry for you if it's making your life difficult".

I don't know what's expected of me. Am I expected to be on her side 100% even though I disapprove of the things she's done? Just because I'm the sister?

I just tried to be non-partial for a minute or two and it feels like I got shit back for it. Maybe I hit a nerv. Maybe we're too different for us to be able to discuss it. Maybe I don't know her well enough, because knowing her that well would mean knowing things I don't want to know.

Or maybe I'm just a sucker for supporting the underdogs more? And she's not the underdog. Maybe I see our mum too much in her and that makes me want to rebel?

28 days left. 28 days too many. I want to escape now.

29 days

...and counting. I'm in desperate need of this Sweden trip. And the need is going to grow bigger for every mental or physical cross in the calendar.

Energy is nowhere to be found. I can see a list of things to reply to, to look into, to search for, to do. But my arm that should reach for it, sneeks behind my back and refuses to come out.

I can see a few factors being the reason for the tiredness. But no energy to deal with them. Catch 22, come on in and make yourself comfortable. No, don't take your pants off!

Great, now I have a naked Catch 22 on my sofa.

I think I'll be on The Smashing Pumpkins today. It feels right. Starting with the Adore album.

Lost at sea

More knackered after a weekend that had less alcohol and more sleep, than the last one that had the opposite? It didn't make sense at first.

Then I thought it must have to do with dealing with sister's, what now seems unavoidable, divorce. It felt like it escalated over a few days, and I wasn't really prepared or wasn't keeping the same pace, and so I don't know how to handle it. The surprising request from brother-in-law about a chat about the whole thing, added to the mental load. And then a sister using my flatmate to say that she wanted to know what we had talked about.

That was the final drop for Saturday. I took my dear friend Andrew's advice and left the flat before they got back. Almost ran out of it, looking back towards the bus stop as I got out on the street. Hurrying around the corner to see the toy friend just getting out of the car. And my head was too occupied with divorce mess, to take time and think if it was weird or not to see him again.

My sister called me when we had gotten to the first pub. Thinking she was going to try and get information out of me, I pressed her off. Not wanting to be used as some information gatherer, having each of them talk to me and then forward whatever I find out. No thanks. I just have a weird vibe about the whole thing. It feels so rushed, that everything has to happen now. Preferrably always the day before. And I honestly don't know what to think about it all, and I feel guilt over the fact that I somehow can't bring myself to want to give her massive support, whilst it feels like everyone else (read: her friends, including my flatmate), seems to think she's the one to feel most sorry for. Or maybe it is because I know that her husband doesn't have the same support from friends here that she has, and so she doesn't really need me.

I don't know.

The ultimate pick me up

It's Friday and all relaxed in the office, manager isn't in yet, so we're all enjoying the quiet morning.

Me not hearing right, turned snatch napkin into snapkin. A quick google led to the Urban Dictionary, and the meaning to that word was not something I was expecting.

Adam typed in his name, I did a search on mine. And wow, what amazing descriptions. And they're all true!

Read it all here

It's Friday y'all!

The times are a changing

1.5 hours in on my work day and the amount of work I've done is pretty much nothing.

First some web browsing (don't tell anyone) and then my sister called. On my work phone at least, and manager had gone off to do school run, so it was just me and Adam here. We talked about her possible divorce coming up. Yes. It is on the verge of happening. It's probably best for everyone involved.

Yesterday Ginger texted me. A kind of normal text, but these have in the past led to a trap. This one wasn't that much of a trap. But it was to give the news of her pregnancy. At least the father isn't the man she's trying to divorce. It's her 21 year old boyfriend that's the lucky man. But only being 5 weeks into the pregnancy, me thinks it's a bit early to tell the world. And here I am, spreading the news onwards. If anyone of you can figure out who Ginger is. Hint; it's not me. I'm a brunette nowadays, or try to be.

So. That's that.

O o o. The big day is upon us. Popping the speed dating cherry tonight. Partner in crime: Tuddilu. It's going to be interesting. And I hope Lexxie isn't going to repeat this morning's funny business with not wanting to start without a lot of revving. Bad girl.

It's my name day in Sweden today. And I'm enjoying the Happy name day wishes from my homies back home.

Happy Karolina name day to me!

Viva la Skype

Every Tuesday at 7.30pm it's Skype with Ida. It's a wicked way to end Tuesdays. To be able to chat about all and nothing. Keep each other updated. I still miss her like crazy, but these weekly chats easens it a little.

Can't wait to see her in June. I'm hoping she will come to her senses and join me and Tina at Ekudden for midsummer. It would make a midsummer that already looks to be awesome, to be even more awesome.

Talked to lillebror on Skype yesterday. First time in weeks. Not good. I miss him so much.

2010 has so far been the worst in homesickness. I don't know how many times the homesickness has caused an imaginative physical heartache.

The faulty toy took me off his facebook. He said he was too jealous for his own good. I couldn't help but think "Karolina - Faulty Toy: 1-0". Bygones.

Now: 30 Rock.

Tomorrow: DEFTONES

Poisonous thoughts

Saturday night. Drinks with Tina and Nina downstairs. Girly talk and not so girly talk. And with two of three being single, dating was discussed. And once again I got to hear from Nina, the theories of why I am (still) single, ventured to Nina by someone in my closest circle.

Apparently I'm too much of a friend with guys. And there might also be a risk that I'm afraid of being in a relationship again. The fear thing, fair enough, I think I have reasons for that (not I think I feel that fear), and they're probably threefold. But there we were again, me hearing about the friend theory. Told by someone who's since she was 17 or something hasn't been single for more than a few months. And that one time in between then and now that she was single, she got back together with the guy she was with when she was 15 or 16. So spare me your thoughts on why I'm single.

But once again, a poisonous seed was planted. And as much as that person's theory is putting the fault on me, I've been doing the same. Wondering if the blame is to be put on me. Maybe it is my fault? But at the same time, knowing that it isn't. I don't like it. It reminds me too much of how my ex made me become my own worst enemy.

The dream I had Sunday night didn't exactly help either. With my ex coming back to haunt me, treating me in the dream like he used to do. And to top it all of, in front of the faulty toy. I woke up angry and sad. But mostly angry. And as Monday went on, the dream hung to the back of my mind like garlic on your breath. I couldn't help to think if my sub conscience was trying to tell me something.

With that being one of today's topic in the web of thoughts, the first tweet I read today was "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option", followed by "Often it isn't holding on that makes us strong but letting go". Written by my latest Twitter friend jmabell. 


If I'd chosen to listen to Signs by Bloc Party first thing this morning, it would've been bulls eye. 


At least I escaped the dark cloud hanging over this week with an hour Skype chat with Ida.


On my own again, just me and my thoughts. Fuelled by a little bit of red wine. And music. 


I'm just gonna start working on a pep talk list. If anyone thinks they can help; don't be shy. Just bring some booze.

Friday night project

I had promised my brother to send him a few mixed cd's. I decided to make some cd covers.

I hope he'll like them.