The uninevitable

15 minutes left of work.

I don't want to leave, but lacking the motivation to do work.

A faint stomach ache is announcing itself. The same kind of stomach I used to have when living with my ex and I was returning "home" from a days work.

The pain that comes from not knowing what's to come, knowing it's uninevitable and unpleasant.

I should've packed an overnight bag to keep in the car.

12 minutes left.

Silver lining

Mr. Ellis' words echoing, trying to bounce them between the walls.

You know you have many people that support you.

I know was my reply. Two hours later that knowledge seems so distant. Seems so vague.

I can see the words line up on a horison that seems million miles away.

Reaching out with technology, feeling a bit lifted, but still wish there was someone here to give me a hug.

What the...?

I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm today. Something woke me up, woke me from my dream.

It was a weird one. I watched it unfold in my head as I was waking up more and more and the question mark got bigger and bigger.

I was in a house, that was suppose to be my home. Kim, Mira and Mie was there too. With Kim and Mira being the lodgers, as it is now.

There was stuff everywhere. Like it is now.

I walked past a room, and I could hear my sister and her husband arguing. But that was suppose to happen in their house. Then I was back in my house, and my sister was moving in again, because they had once again split up. With Mira and Kim already living there, her spot on the floor was by the dining table, which we moved somewhere else. Me and my sister talked about the abortion she had had.

Mie told her that since my sister was the oldest living in our house, we were to follow her rules. She could arrange the room as she wanted, and to decide on everything pretty much.

Suddenly I was at the hospital because my grandmother had passed away (she passed away last November), but maybe she hadn't actually passed away. It had been two weeks and we knew she was in the cold room. We managed to get the doctors to bring her out and as she got warmer, she came back to life. And as she opened her eyes, she recognised me and first thing she asked was where my stepdad was.

So then me and my brother had to quickly call our stepdad and his siblings to stop them from going ahead with the funeral, because she was alive!

After that I was back in the house, a few more people were there. The chef was one of them. And he was upset over something. He walked out the door and I called after him and he told me to leave him alone. I walked back in, and asked an Asian guy what had happened. And it turned out that the chef had asked him about his hair, and the Asian guy had said it looked just fine in the back, but the chef had gotten upset and left.
I remember getting angry with this Asian guy, because I knew that what he had said wasn't a nice thing to say.

And then I woke up. In my field and cloud duvet set, looked at my phone that said 06:05. 10 minutes later Diane with Therapy? started playing and it was time to leave the warmth and step into cooler temperature.

It's Friday.

The impossible possible

It's been 4 office hours. I still haven't managed to hold on to one single thought that has to do with work.

Focus is everywhere but where it should be. I'm more easily distracted than a poodle. Only standing still on one thread 5 minutes at a time. After that I see something that seems more interesting. So I go to there.

I would have been better off not going to work today. I should have taken a personal day. To finish up some creative projects.

"Nothing to do with you or anything."

I wish I could get up and leave. Moon walk my way out of the building. Theoretically I could. But the world isn't a place where we all just DO what we all FEEL like. There's too many people around for it to work. Or is it?

I'm just going to play with the idea of me just getting up from my chair, leave the building and drive to Teddington.

DO and FEEL are the words of the day. They don't go hand in hand very often. Usually, they're heading into different directions. Now and then, their paths will cross, and things are turned upside down, inside out. DO tries to quiet FEEL. FEEL is trying to persuade DO to follow it's lead.

DO usually don't.