Awaking from slumber

I'm stretching. Arms, legs and back. Trying to make myself as tall as possible. Stretching slowly. Waking my drousy limbs. Opening my eyes slowly. Registering where I am, closing them again.

Letting my brain take its time to register place and time. Not ready yet to leave the warmth of sleep.

Not ready yet to face the day and sip my first cup of coffee. Not ready yet to be bombarded with news and to-do-lists.

When the final energy bill has been settled and I've been given my deposit back, I will leave the past weeks slumber and get dressed and reach for that cup of coffee.

Leaning mode

It's one of those days when I need someone to lean against.

Someone to vent my silly thoughts to. Someone who will make me think of something else. Or tell me how silly I am for thinking those things.

When the silly things are lined up, they've taken a number and are queuing to get inside. To have a play and mess things up.

For now I have to use music to lean against. Or hide in. Hide amongst.

Over and out.

4 more sleeps

Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night.

And that will be it. It will be the end of the beginning of the end of the beginning of the end of the beginning of something new. Something old. Something blue. Something borrowed. Something stolen. Something whatever it is more.

Feeling a little bit anxious of what is to come. How the change will be. I just know it can't be worse than what is has been. If it would be, I would resign. But it won't be. Come on, positive thoughts.

I need a game plan.

A plan that reeks of rock n roll, good things, booze, tired dancing feet, sparkling eyes, a smiling face and the return of Karolina.

The uninevitable

15 minutes left of work.

I don't want to leave, but lacking the motivation to do work.

A faint stomach ache is announcing itself. The same kind of stomach I used to have when living with my ex and I was returning "home" from a days work.

The pain that comes from not knowing what's to come, knowing it's uninevitable and unpleasant.

I should've packed an overnight bag to keep in the car.

12 minutes left.

Silver lining

Mr. Ellis' words echoing, trying to bounce them between the walls.

You know you have many people that support you.

I know was my reply. Two hours later that knowledge seems so distant. Seems so vague.

I can see the words line up on a horison that seems million miles away.

Reaching out with technology, feeling a bit lifted, but still wish there was someone here to give me a hug.

What the...?

I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm today. Something woke me up, woke me from my dream.

It was a weird one. I watched it unfold in my head as I was waking up more and more and the question mark got bigger and bigger.

I was in a house, that was suppose to be my home. Kim, Mira and Mie was there too. With Kim and Mira being the lodgers, as it is now.

There was stuff everywhere. Like it is now.

I walked past a room, and I could hear my sister and her husband arguing. But that was suppose to happen in their house. Then I was back in my house, and my sister was moving in again, because they had once again split up. With Mira and Kim already living there, her spot on the floor was by the dining table, which we moved somewhere else. Me and my sister talked about the abortion she had had.

Mie told her that since my sister was the oldest living in our house, we were to follow her rules. She could arrange the room as she wanted, and to decide on everything pretty much.

Suddenly I was at the hospital because my grandmother had passed away (she passed away last November), but maybe she hadn't actually passed away. It had been two weeks and we knew she was in the cold room. We managed to get the doctors to bring her out and as she got warmer, she came back to life. And as she opened her eyes, she recognised me and first thing she asked was where my stepdad was.

So then me and my brother had to quickly call our stepdad and his siblings to stop them from going ahead with the funeral, because she was alive!

After that I was back in the house, a few more people were there. The chef was one of them. And he was upset over something. He walked out the door and I called after him and he told me to leave him alone. I walked back in, and asked an Asian guy what had happened. And it turned out that the chef had asked him about his hair, and the Asian guy had said it looked just fine in the back, but the chef had gotten upset and left.
I remember getting angry with this Asian guy, because I knew that what he had said wasn't a nice thing to say.

And then I woke up. In my field and cloud duvet set, looked at my phone that said 06:05. 10 minutes later Diane with Therapy? started playing and it was time to leave the warmth and step into cooler temperature.

It's Friday.

The impossible possible

It's been 4 office hours. I still haven't managed to hold on to one single thought that has to do with work.

Focus is everywhere but where it should be. I'm more easily distracted than a poodle. Only standing still on one thread 5 minutes at a time. After that I see something that seems more interesting. So I go to there.

I would have been better off not going to work today. I should have taken a personal day. To finish up some creative projects.

"Nothing to do with you or anything."

I wish I could get up and leave. Moon walk my way out of the building. Theoretically I could. But the world isn't a place where we all just DO what we all FEEL like. There's too many people around for it to work. Or is it?

I'm just going to play with the idea of me just getting up from my chair, leave the building and drive to Teddington.

DO and FEEL are the words of the day. They don't go hand in hand very often. Usually, they're heading into different directions. Now and then, their paths will cross, and things are turned upside down, inside out. DO tries to quiet FEEL. FEEL is trying to persuade DO to follow it's lead.

DO usually don't.

Faketastic

All things plastic makes life faketastic.

Glue a smile on the frown. Glue the skin to the back of the head. Blend hair from someone else into your own. Stuff the fun bags with liquid. Extend what's not there. Burn the skin to another colour. Your personality comes with the trendy garment. In a plastic bag with the right name on it. Tune in, find your new favourite artist. Tune in a week later, find a new one.

Say baaaa

Lost and not found

I thought I was almost home. That I had found my place. That I had found a place within my place.

Then the rain came. With it, the wind. With the wind, the storm. With the storm, the loss of shelter. Without the shelter I had no safe place. No place that would stand ground against the wear and tear that is life and everyday battles. Battles that go on for too long. That doesn't allow time to stop and breathe.

I had to bow my head against the wind. Looking at the ground. Not taking my eyes off the ground.

Until I could feel the harbour getting close. Getting within reach, within reality. It wasn't just a vague line, I could see rays of sunshine bring out the colours, hear sounds, the smells. All the things that were familiar. I would soon be there.

One phone call with news turned the harbour into a destination of worry, of pain, the pain of loosing someone that wasn't suppose be lost already.

The feeling of home was burdened of sorrow. My chance to breathe and charge was lost, before I had the chance to grab it. Energy I didn't have was used. Energy I needed was lost.

I came back, feeling the same way as before I left. Filled with sadness. Sadness I hoped would've been eased before I came back.

I came back, not knowing where I belong. Again. Feeling lonely with people around me.

Missing support. Missing love. Missing consolidation. Missing myself.

To let something out

I want to scream and shout. Shout and scream. Get it all out. Whatever it is. That thing in there that makes me want to scream and shout. And not care that tears come out to play too.

That's all. Scream and shout. Maybe a kick. A punch.

But most of all.

Screams and shouts.

The day after tomorrow

It's almost time. The day that seemed to distant, so very far away, like I would never get there. In one piece.

And now it's suddenly the day after tomorrow that I finally go home-home. Home-home to see my beloved brother, dad, friends. To get some rest from the UK chaos.

Midsummer party with amazing people, in an amazing house by the lake, see as many friends as I can, but most of all... rest.

The 5 days at Roskilde will be a test. A Karolina and Tina test for the future. If we come out of that still as good friends, we know it's good.

Things are blowing hot again.

22 days

21 days too many.

I left my heart in the beach shop

Road trip to Poole yesterday. Mission: take Kim home and to work. Driver: Mie. Passengers in the back: Me and Tina.

We saw sunshine, harbour, boats, wind surfers, the sea, buried our feets in the softest sand and joyfully shrieked when the ice cold water washed over our feet. And then we stayed away from the water. Shaking our heads at the people actually being in the water. Not that they were that many, but enough for head shaking movements.

Headed towards the beach shop for icecream. I turned around to pay, and bang, 1, 2, 3 and my heart was sold to the boy with the gorgeous blue eyes. I think we had moment. I think my bluegreen (?) eyes won him over too. And my heart shaped tattoo, that he complimented.

Pretty beach boy stole a piece of my heart. He's more than welcome to keep it.

Are we gonna have dessert or disaster?

Are we there yet?

It's Friday. And I'm painting it blue and yellow, listening to the very early ABBA. When the male part of the constellation did quite a bit of singing.

Sister moves out from her house today. Today the change begins. I look at the uncertain outcome of this change with a tablespoon of curiousity, 0.5 gram of something like fear, and a pinch of mixed feelings.

(Hang on, was that an attempt to joddling at the end of "People need love"?)

7 more drives with Byron. It's going to be empty without him in the car.

Are we there yet?

Looking for arms to steal

These past few days the crave for a pair of arms to crawl into has gotten bigger and bigger. A pair of arms that would make me feel safe and where I could just stop listening to others and myself for a while.

I just want to rest. Close my eyes for a little while and pretend the world out there doesn't exist. Or exists in a better universe. Be somewhere where no one demands things from me, where I don't have to feel quilty for not sympathising or thinking "You started it, I can't feel sorry for you if it's making your life difficult".

I don't know what's expected of me. Am I expected to be on her side 100% even though I disapprove of the things she's done? Just because I'm the sister?

I just tried to be non-partial for a minute or two and it feels like I got shit back for it. Maybe I hit a nerv. Maybe we're too different for us to be able to discuss it. Maybe I don't know her well enough, because knowing her that well would mean knowing things I don't want to know.

Or maybe I'm just a sucker for supporting the underdogs more? And she's not the underdog. Maybe I see our mum too much in her and that makes me want to rebel?

28 days left. 28 days too many. I want to escape now.

29 days

...and counting. I'm in desperate need of this Sweden trip. And the need is going to grow bigger for every mental or physical cross in the calendar.

Energy is nowhere to be found. I can see a list of things to reply to, to look into, to search for, to do. But my arm that should reach for it, sneeks behind my back and refuses to come out.

I can see a few factors being the reason for the tiredness. But no energy to deal with them. Catch 22, come on in and make yourself comfortable. No, don't take your pants off!

Great, now I have a naked Catch 22 on my sofa.

I think I'll be on The Smashing Pumpkins today. It feels right. Starting with the Adore album.

Lost at sea

More knackered after a weekend that had less alcohol and more sleep, than the last one that had the opposite? It didn't make sense at first.

Then I thought it must have to do with dealing with sister's, what now seems unavoidable, divorce. It felt like it escalated over a few days, and I wasn't really prepared or wasn't keeping the same pace, and so I don't know how to handle it. The surprising request from brother-in-law about a chat about the whole thing, added to the mental load. And then a sister using my flatmate to say that she wanted to know what we had talked about.

That was the final drop for Saturday. I took my dear friend Andrew's advice and left the flat before they got back. Almost ran out of it, looking back towards the bus stop as I got out on the street. Hurrying around the corner to see the toy friend just getting out of the car. And my head was too occupied with divorce mess, to take time and think if it was weird or not to see him again.

My sister called me when we had gotten to the first pub. Thinking she was going to try and get information out of me, I pressed her off. Not wanting to be used as some information gatherer, having each of them talk to me and then forward whatever I find out. No thanks. I just have a weird vibe about the whole thing. It feels so rushed, that everything has to happen now. Preferrably always the day before. And I honestly don't know what to think about it all, and I feel guilt over the fact that I somehow can't bring myself to want to give her massive support, whilst it feels like everyone else (read: her friends, including my flatmate), seems to think she's the one to feel most sorry for. Or maybe it is because I know that her husband doesn't have the same support from friends here that she has, and so she doesn't really need me.

I don't know.

The ultimate pick me up

It's Friday and all relaxed in the office, manager isn't in yet, so we're all enjoying the quiet morning.

Me not hearing right, turned snatch napkin into snapkin. A quick google led to the Urban Dictionary, and the meaning to that word was not something I was expecting.

Adam typed in his name, I did a search on mine. And wow, what amazing descriptions. And they're all true!

Read it all here

It's Friday y'all!

The times are a changing

1.5 hours in on my work day and the amount of work I've done is pretty much nothing.

First some web browsing (don't tell anyone) and then my sister called. On my work phone at least, and manager had gone off to do school run, so it was just me and Adam here. We talked about her possible divorce coming up. Yes. It is on the verge of happening. It's probably best for everyone involved.

Yesterday Ginger texted me. A kind of normal text, but these have in the past led to a trap. This one wasn't that much of a trap. But it was to give the news of her pregnancy. At least the father isn't the man she's trying to divorce. It's her 21 year old boyfriend that's the lucky man. But only being 5 weeks into the pregnancy, me thinks it's a bit early to tell the world. And here I am, spreading the news onwards. If anyone of you can figure out who Ginger is. Hint; it's not me. I'm a brunette nowadays, or try to be.

So. That's that.

O o o. The big day is upon us. Popping the speed dating cherry tonight. Partner in crime: Tuddilu. It's going to be interesting. And I hope Lexxie isn't going to repeat this morning's funny business with not wanting to start without a lot of revving. Bad girl.

It's my name day in Sweden today. And I'm enjoying the Happy name day wishes from my homies back home.

Happy Karolina name day to me!

Viva la Skype

Every Tuesday at 7.30pm it's Skype with Ida. It's a wicked way to end Tuesdays. To be able to chat about all and nothing. Keep each other updated. I still miss her like crazy, but these weekly chats easens it a little.

Can't wait to see her in June. I'm hoping she will come to her senses and join me and Tina at Ekudden for midsummer. It would make a midsummer that already looks to be awesome, to be even more awesome.

Talked to lillebror on Skype yesterday. First time in weeks. Not good. I miss him so much.

2010 has so far been the worst in homesickness. I don't know how many times the homesickness has caused an imaginative physical heartache.

The faulty toy took me off his facebook. He said he was too jealous for his own good. I couldn't help but think "Karolina - Faulty Toy: 1-0". Bygones.

Now: 30 Rock.

Tomorrow: DEFTONES

Poisonous thoughts

Saturday night. Drinks with Tina and Nina downstairs. Girly talk and not so girly talk. And with two of three being single, dating was discussed. And once again I got to hear from Nina, the theories of why I am (still) single, ventured to Nina by someone in my closest circle.

Apparently I'm too much of a friend with guys. And there might also be a risk that I'm afraid of being in a relationship again. The fear thing, fair enough, I think I have reasons for that (not I think I feel that fear), and they're probably threefold. But there we were again, me hearing about the friend theory. Told by someone who's since she was 17 or something hasn't been single for more than a few months. And that one time in between then and now that she was single, she got back together with the guy she was with when she was 15 or 16. So spare me your thoughts on why I'm single.

But once again, a poisonous seed was planted. And as much as that person's theory is putting the fault on me, I've been doing the same. Wondering if the blame is to be put on me. Maybe it is my fault? But at the same time, knowing that it isn't. I don't like it. It reminds me too much of how my ex made me become my own worst enemy.

The dream I had Sunday night didn't exactly help either. With my ex coming back to haunt me, treating me in the dream like he used to do. And to top it all of, in front of the faulty toy. I woke up angry and sad. But mostly angry. And as Monday went on, the dream hung to the back of my mind like garlic on your breath. I couldn't help to think if my sub conscience was trying to tell me something.

With that being one of today's topic in the web of thoughts, the first tweet I read today was "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option", followed by "Often it isn't holding on that makes us strong but letting go". Written by my latest Twitter friend jmabell. 


If I'd chosen to listen to Signs by Bloc Party first thing this morning, it would've been bulls eye. 


At least I escaped the dark cloud hanging over this week with an hour Skype chat with Ida.


On my own again, just me and my thoughts. Fuelled by a little bit of red wine. And music. 


I'm just gonna start working on a pep talk list. If anyone thinks they can help; don't be shy. Just bring some booze.

Friday night project

I had promised my brother to send him a few mixed cd's. I decided to make some cd covers.

I hope he'll like them.

Just like that

Sue came over to our corner. I thought she was after Andy. But she wasn't stopping at his desk, and she was looking at me.

Oh, I better take out my headphones. She was holding three 100 SEK notes in her hand. Asked if it was still valid money in Sweden. Yes, I said. How much is this in pounds then? Between 25 and 30 I said. And then she gave them to me, said something about pocket money for when I go to Sweden next.

I..? Wha...t? Where did you find them?

I didn't hear what she said. People were taking the mick all around me. But there I sat, with 300 SEK in my hand, not really sure what had just happened.

But Thursday is one kick-ass day so far. 13 days left till the Deftones gig. I think it's going to be absolutely heart stopping great.

Deftones happiness

Finally the day was here, when the tickets to the gig in London with Deftones was released.

I was walking back from the river in a slow pace, when I saw an email on my phone about the tickets. My pace was suddenly speeded up. It felt like I was miles away from the flat.

I ran up the stairs, straight to my laptop, power on, impatiently waiting (but blessing it for not being slow) for me to be able to click my way to happiness.

And when I had bought the tickets, I called Andrew, who I had already last week decided was going to come with me, but he didn't answer. I sent a text. I sent another one. And then I waited. Wanting to shout out the news to the world, but wanted to tell him first.

Finally I got a text saying "Call me". So I did. And I made his day. I made my day. And it's only two weeks. Two weeks from today, we're at the venue, waiting for this amazing band to come on and it will be the second time in 8 months that we will see them.

I'm tired now. All this excitement is tiring. But a happy tiredness. I even managed to let out a happy sigh, according to Mie.

2 weeks.

Dropping of names

Adam, the oh so talented discussion starter, threw the question of which actors are in our top ten at us.

He then quickly followed it up with answering it himself, Will Smith as the best one there is.

Noooooo. We all said. Or three of us. Paul wasn't there at the start, Dave is not in as usual, and Essa kept quiet.

("It's always the quiet ones" is the expression, what will Essa surprise us with?)

The challenge was on. At first we didn't seem to be able to come up with any names. That wasn't good. Then we gradually started dropping names like... nothing else. And by the end of it, I think we felt quite pleased. Proud of ourselves.

I'm thinking about running Tjejmilen in Stockholm in September. It's 6.2 miles. I've got guidelines of how to train to do it in 60 minutes.

Andrew. I will see you next Saturday. Maybe the sun will show it's lovely face for us then.

Home

Alabama Arkansas I do Love my Ma and Pa
But not as much as I do Love you
Holy Moly Me oh My your the apple of my eye
Girl aint never loved one like you
Man o Man your my best friend I scream it to the nothingness
that we got everything we need
Hot and Heavy pumpkin pie
Chocolate candy Jesus Christ
Aint nothin please me more than you

(Chorus)
Home, Let me come Home
Home is Whenever Im with you
Home, yes I am Home
Home is wherever Im with you

Lalalala Take me Home
Mama Im Coming Home

I follow you into the park, thru the jungle thru the dark
Girl aint never loved one like you
Moats and boats and Waterfalls, Alleyways and payphone calls
I been everywhere with you
Laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night
never could be sweeter than with you

like its only you and me jade/ebes your somethin to see

(Chorus)

Lalalala take me home
Mama Im Comin Home

Jade, you remember that night you fell outa my window?
ya you came jumpin out after me
well, you were bleedin all over the place and I covered your ass with your dress and we went off to the hospital, you remember that?
ya
well there's somethin I never told you bout that night
what didnt you tell me?
well, while you were sitting in the back seat smokin a cigarrette you thought was gonna be your last, I was fallin deep, deep in love with you, and I never told you till just now!

(Chorus)

Home, let me come home, home is wherever Im with you
Home, yes I am Home home is whenever Im with you!

Alabama Arkansas I do love my Ma and Pa
Yes Home, yes ward! home is whenever Im with you!
Home is whenever Im with you.

- Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

On the road together

Second week of being Byron's personal driver. Every morning and evening we get to know each other a little more.


Yesterday morning I didn't say many words. I was too tired, the tiredness held my tongue in a steady grip. Luckily, Byron was on the phone more than half the journey dealing with warehouse and office people not being able to get into the building. Uh oh. But before we arrived it had been solved, with Adam climbing the fence and getting in through the back door. And not back door as in the sex metaphor.

Three more days till the very much longed bank holiday weekend is here.

The weekend just gone with Tina was great. Fantastic. It feels good to have another Älmhult soul here. And she's coming with us to Roskilde. And she will be my travelling companion to Sweden before Roskilde, and then from Älmhult to Roskilde. And then from Roskilde to the UK. And she's coming to the midsummer celebration at my brother's place too. This is starting to look good. I mean real good.

Less than 2 months. Countdown has indeed started.

A shit covered squirrel

So the drama friend threw shit on the fan and texted me. She's been throwing shit on the fan for two weeks apparently, so not a one time thing. Hurra, hurra. But the shit haven't hit her boyfriend yet. Or no, it has. But it's still invisible.

I'm guessing she now wants advice on what to do. I will have to try hard to not raise my voice and ask how fucking stupid she is and why she can't go through life without drama. If it's not there "naturally", she needs to create it.

So... I managed to get five days of peace and quiet. But almost two months without her drama. It was a good run.

Bitten by inspiration

Whilst trying to crawl under my skin to seek warmth I was bitten by the inspiration bug.

I wanted to do everything, all at once. Now. Yesterday. Stick two fingers in the air and concentrate on ME. What I want to do.

Stop motion. Photography. Pens and paper. Glue and scissors. Give me all that NOW.

But my problem is time. It's constantly sliding through my fingers. Seconds, minutes and hours, they are slippery suckers.
I'm sure there's a way around it.

Still thinking I'm not that bothered, but something is causing me to wake up several times during the night. It's annoying.

The devil closed a door and knocked down a wall. And I think I need to get used to all that space now being available, even though things are still in a bit of a grey zone, but I'm trying my best to make it black and white. Because sometimes it would be nice if things were black and white.

And I've had enough of grey zones.

So there.

I... don't know

Towards the end of last week I finally was allowed on the path of knowledge. I was allowed into the loop. And it was what I expected, and I sent back an unexpected reply. But shame on you for assuming things.

And a decision about time out, fine by me, I need some peace and quiet. Expecting it to be a while. And not to get a X sent Sunday night at 11pm. Nothing more after that. So what the hell man?

Anyhoo and anyhow, I might be getting bored with it. I don't seem to be very bothered, so why keep on truckin'?

Enough of that, waste of keyboard pressing. Friday. Friday was fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun. Fun to see amazing Andrew and then the wonderful Malvin and Martin. They are the sunshine of my life.

The day after I paid for those drinks in near sickness, and tiredness that had it's own wardrobe. I tried to catch up on sleep before going to Maidenhead. I didn't succeed to a satisfactory level. So I was tired for most of the evening, and sober. And being sober when everyone else are drunk works fine until they get more drunk and loud and talk about weird things. So I left before midnight, before my eyes would risk closing on the way home.

Sinday greeted me with blue sky and sunshine and I felt the most energetic I'd had all week. The day needed to be spent outside! Come on people! I dragged Mie and Kim out of their lazy states and we took the game Risk and refreshments with us, found an amazing spot in the park and sat in the sunshine, conquering country by country. Kim took over the whole world eventually, but it was fun. My Risk cherry was popped.

Rest of the Sinday was thai take away and watching Moon. Great film.

And now. A new week. For a Tuesday, it's been a really good day. No over time, no exhausted state, peace and quiet.

But Ida is missing on Skype. It's Tuesday. Skypedate. Where are you?

Late night disappointment

I don't like having worries thrown my way, asking for support and advice, make myself available to have a late text saying problem solved.

It leaves me with the worry about what was wrong, but not finding out what it was. It makes disappointed, and leaves me feeling stupid for making sure I was available to give support and listen.

Dash.

And it disrupted my sleep. I was trying to count sheep, but the sheep was stuck in thought traffic. Solid. All lanes. I tried music. Tried clearing the traffic, but somewhere in all the trying I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up, neck and back aching because I had decided to try and fall asleep on my stomach (it usually works, if I fall asleep before it begins to be uncomfortable).

It's Tuesday. No-fucking-way-yes-way-no-way Tuesday. And it's no-brainer music on Spotify and it's shutting the world out with headphones. Only Adam has managed to make me smile so far today.

Can't wait to go home.

The return of the... Jedhi

Three visits to Gatwick in as many weeks. First week picking up loved ones, second week; parking the car to go away with Sarah, third week; 28 hours in Copenhagen with the chef.


Guernsey was wonderful. Beautiful views, great atmosphere, great company, lots of walking, laughing, experiencing a German underground hospital and possibly the smallest chapel in the world, made of broken pieces of porcelain. I'm not a church/chapel fan, but this was something else. A promise made to return to this island, when it's summer.

Copenhagen. Which has been my one step away from home when travelling back for visits. But this time I was taking the train towards Copenhagen instead of over the bridge to Sweden. And my heart wanted to go on the train homehome if only so to be there for one hour. But the 28 hours spent there was still amazing. Amazing gig, and all the band members signed our tickets afterwards, and we made them feel mighty surprised and proud when we told them we had come all the way from London to see them. That was our sole purpose, the sightseeing just a bonus.

A bit tired now. Quite an early crawl out of bed. Moved to the sofa for crap telly and coffee. Eventually the sunshine and blue sky drew me outside. For a drink by the lock, with a company in thoughts. And here I am, expecting to see a new freak out happen.

Time will tell.

1 day to go

Shobben is coming here tomorrow. Finally. My soul is feeling poorly and needs a few days of bliss.

Need a spring cleaning too. Remove the winter dust from the corners. New curtains. New pictures on the walls.

Spring is getting closer. With it's green dresses, warm sunshine hugs, makes my heart whisper.

I hope to sit in the sunshine this weekend with Shobben and tell secrets and share the joys and aches.

Tomorrow.

Glass

My heart of glass

has a chip in it

caused by reckless behaviour

caused by trust

caused by the wish for love

caused by blindness.

The chip was repaired,

could barely be seen any longer, but became a weak spot

on a heart that tried to be strong.

Fine cracks are appearing. Stretching out from the epi centre.

And all I do is watch it happen. 

731 days

Yesterday it was 730 days since I came over to the UK. 24 months, 2 years. In a way it feels like it's been 4 years.

I didn't think I'd be here this long, a year at most. Then things changed. For the better. But it's missing friends and family back home that sometimes makes me think about moving back. Missing them is like a constant pain in my heart. Sometimes I don't feel it, and then there are times when I miss them so much it feels like my heart will break. But I think about them pretty much every day.

And it kind of pulls me down when I think that that's how it will be, if not forever, then for a very long time
ahead. But... I don't feel that I have anything to move back to, apart from shorten the distance to my loved
ones. But they're also spread out in 3 different towns. And very busy living their lives, so I don't think I would
actually get any closer, only physically, but would I see them that much more often?







It's just that... sometimes I wish I could get in a car and drive to lillebror, Shobben, Ida, Julle, Emma, dad, Shila when that overwhelming feeling of missing them washes over me. Sooth the itch. Ease the pain with a pain killer called meet-up. 

Simone said I would move back when I had a man and kids. I can see that. It seems very likely. She also said, I/we would move back to the UK after a few years.

So my 703rd day was a mix of everything, wishes of moving back, wishes of continuing to settle down here. I wish I could have the best of both worlds. The grass to be just as green on one side as the other.

But that's not life. And I'm going to stop right now, before the big philosopher completely takes over and starts thinking about those BIG questions and everything gets a little bit too jazzy.

I'm on my 731st day and it feels good to be here. Just need to do a spring clean of my winter tired soul. Chase the dust bunnies from the corners. Open the windows. Pull the blinds up. Maybe some new paint.

Buzzing

That buzzing feeling inside. I can feel it in my arms, all the way to my finger tips. I can feel it in my legs, all the way to my toes. It makes it feel like my heart is beating faster. I don't know if it actually is.

On the outside, nothing. Nothing showing what's going on on the inside.

It's that buzz that makes me wish I could get up from my chair and just run. Run. Run until my lungs are hurting, my legs are cramping and I'm drenched in sweat. Maybe then will the buzzing stop.

The buzzing that makes me think if I just relaxed I would snap.

If I could, I would get on a plane and head home home for a few days. To the people who have known me for more than 2 years, the people who knew me before so many things happened. To the people who always make me feel safe. To the people where no games exists. Where I can see the familiar things, breathe in the familiar air, smell the familiar smells. Where I don't have to try so hard.

I just want to rest. I'm so tired. Just a few minutes rest. Or a few hours. Where it's quiet.

Man overboard / Man överbord

The years have gone
they lie like wrecks on the bottom
Once you left it all
you were young, you were salt
it was a one-way trip to the top
You turned words into gold
now they sink like stones in the water
The wheels turned round
you were everyone's king
to know you was a feather in the cap
Now the game's serious and dark
and you stub your cigarette out
you light another, it's okay
now it's all much better
She came like a queen
she invited you to her table
she passed you the poison
and you could never get enough
Man overboard
Man overboard 

I remember you one morning
we took Västerbron over toward Söder
And then we parted
you said thanks and I'm sorry
but you're hardly the man that I need
And I saw you one night in a bar
with your new story
It was an old acquaintance
and I hated everything
your laugh and your bleached-blond halo
I heard that he's left you
for someone a few years younger
how do you feel now, heart of mine
is everything a little heavier
Memories hunt you from bar to bar
and when the bouncer carries you out
he shouts:
Man overboard
Man overboard
Man overboard  

And you walk like a dead man 
Through a dead city
And you sleep among the ruins
It's all you have
Even the clocks are running backward
And you get no reply
Just the message she wrote
A key, a few words
Man overboard
Man overboard   

I've driven to a house by the sea
and I've closed the gate
People talk so much
someone pays, someone thinks
here it all blows away in the wind
There are moments when I've wished
that everything would be over
When my heart stands still and the words fail
it hurts, even though nothing's bleeding
Once everything was free
now it's high time for someone to pay
The seconds are ticking
you already hear how
they start to defame you
For those such as us
there's neither peace or quiet
we are pieces in a game
that's called:
Man overboard
Man overboard  

- Eldkvarn
----------------------------------------

Åren har gått
dom ligger som vrak på botten
En gång lämna du allt
du var ung, du var salt
det var en enkel resa mot toppen
Du gjorde orden till guld
nu sjunker dom som stenar i vatten
Hjulen snurrade runt
du var allas kung
att känna dig var en fjäder i hatten
Nu är leken allvar och svart
och du fimpar cigaretten
du tänder en till, det är rätt
nu är allt mycket bättre
Hon kom som en drottning
hon bjöd dig till sitt bord
hon räckte dig giftet
och du kunde aldrig få nog
Man över bord
Man över bord  

Jag minns dig en morgon
vi gick Västerbron över mot söder
Sen skildes vi åt
du sa tack och förlåt
men du är knappast den man jag behöver
Och jag såg dig en kväll i en bar
med din nya historia
Det var en gammal bekant
och jag hatade allt
ditt skratt och din blonderade gloria
Jag hörde att han lämnat dig
för nån som var några år yngre
hur känner du dig nu, hjärtat mitt
är allt lite tyngre
Minnena jagar dig från krog till krog
och när vakten bär ut dig
ropar han:
Man över bord
Man över bord
Man över bord 

Och du går som en död man
Genom dödens stad
Och du sover bland ruinerna
Det är allt du har
Till och med klockarna går baklänges
Och du får inget svar
Bara lappen hon skrev
En nyckel, några ord
Man över bord
Man över bord   

Jag har åkt till ett hus vid havet
och jag har stängt grinden
Folk pratar så mycket
nån betalar, nån tycker
här blåser allt bort med vinden
Det finns stunder när jag önskat
att allting skulle va över
När hjärtat står still och orden sviker
det gör ont, fast ingenting blöder
En gång var allt gratis
nu är det hög tid för nån att betala
Sekunderna tickar
du hör redan hur
dom börjar förtala dig
För såna som oss
finns varken lugn eller ro
vi är brickor i ett spel
det kallas för:
Man över bord
Man över bord 

- Eldkvarn  

Freelove

If you've been hiding from love

If you've been hiding from love
I can understand where you're coming from
I can understand where you're coming from
If you've suffered enough
If you've suffered enough
I can understand what you're thinking of
I can see the pain that you're frightened of

And I'm only here
To bring you freelove
Let's make it clear
That this is freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

I've been running like you
I've been running like you
Now you understand why I'm running scared
Now you understand why I'm running scared

I've been searching for truth
I've been searching for truth
And I haven't been getting anywhere
No I haven't been getting anywhere

And I'm only here
To bring you freelove
Let's make it clear
That this is freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

Hey girl
You've got to take this moment
Then let it slip away
Let go of complicated feelings
Then there's no price to pay

We've been running from love
We've been running from love
And we don't know what we're doing here
No we don't know what we're doing here

We're only here
Sharing our freelove
Let's make it clear
That this is freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just freelove

- Depeche Mode

Something

This nothing is something. I'm beginning to realise that. But we don't talk about it. It's just there.

Like an elephant in the room.

Today's surprise in music is me listening to Håkan Hellström, I've rediscovered him I think. Didn't fancy him much a few years ago. Now I'm thinking... This shit ain't too bad.

This is a tune - Kom Igen Lena

And a damn catchy one

Me. Me. Me. Me.

So yesterday was Tuesday. Every week I dread that day. Thinking, knowing, preparing myself for a shitty day.

But this Tuesday, came with a little something that left a good feeling. From yesterday and a week on, I will have the flat to myself. And that feels really good. In fact, it makes me want to say "Halleluja". But in a non-religious way. 

Of course.

I have a few weird small cuts on my fingers from Saturday's rumpus.

The day got a hell of a lot better around lunch time, when I went on the Roskilde site, to see what new band they've announced to headline the festival. 

It said "Them Crooked Vultures". Inside me a scream built up, but being in the office, it wasn't the right place to start shouting and jumping around. My eyes welled up, adrenaline was rushing through my body and all I could think of was to tell Anna. Tell Anna! TELL ANNA! And then tell the chef. 

Amazing. 

That was the silver lining of yesterday. The grey cloud trying to overshadow the silver lining was my laptop. It needs to be wiped clean of all data, all that data that somewhere has a malware program hidden in it. 
It needs to be wiped beyond recognition. So wiped, not even it's mom would be able to identify it. Or the dentist.

I was thinking of going geeky and install Ubuntu instead. Away with nasty Windows and go yay with open source. That's pretty hardcode geeky. For me. I don't mind it, but it will require a little more effort from me. And why not? Might as well pick up a few new tricks, because I don't have the money to buy a new one right now. 

And Sweden beat Great Britain in the first curling match. And later on the ladies of Sweden beat Denmark in their first curling match. 

And Sweden won a second gold. 

But my detox went out the window. I blame the chef for that.

Hit

Monday's no fun, Tuesday's the same
Wedensdays might go out, at least something
Thursday's the day after Wednesday
Firdays I go out, at least something

hit, who's calling this a
hit, well I deserve a
hit, calling this a
hit, I don't deserve it

mon...mon - day's...day's - no...no - fun...fun
tues...tues - day's...day's - a...a - waste...waste
wedne...wedne - day's...day's - I...I - go...go - out...yeah?
oh nothing
Thursday's headache, and I deserve it
Friday's I go out, at least something

hit, who's calling this a
hit, well I deserve a
hit, calling this a
hit, I don't deserve it

- The Wannadies

Tuesday

ARGH!

Where are my crayons?

The text of the day (perhaps even of the week) arrived in my inbox this morning

8:36am
When a dog is hanging his head out a moving car window what exactly is he thinking? What will happen tomoz? Is this all there is? Course not, he is thinking about the wind in his hair. Choose life, be the dog ;) have a lovely wed x

And from yesterday, my favourite was
9:50pm
If i could use facebook, i would put the link to the Yes website on your wall and say "should we try it?"

I have faith in February

It's a new week and also a new month. 1st of February 2010. The first February of the new decade.

Ignoring the fact in all cynism that this month holds the big commercial love day, I have faith in February. January is the month that's still in the last year, with expectations for the new year, beginnings of New Years resolutions and sometimes ending them before they properly began taking an effect.

January was... turbulent. It started well good in Jamaica, but the two weeks following the trip was filled with a little joy (at least the first few days after the return to the UK), anger, jet lag, feelings of being fed up, confusion and... I think that was it. I sure had had enough when the hours ticked it's way towards 31 January.

And in all that new month, new beginnings, new ends spirit I will unload what's on my mind, even though it might not be according to any rules made up by surely an idiot a long time ago, I will make clear what I want and not caring about the effect.

But the end to January 2010 was much better than the middle of it. Saturday contained a vodka fuelled boogie in Richmond with Mie and Tina. Lot's of dance moves, cocktails, shots, weird men and guards watching these men, a burger and chips before bed, sleep, no hangover, TV film, then 500 Days of Summer, Thai food, Lars and the real girl, being Sunday lazy.

We decided and planned the theme for the next house party. The theme is wickedly brilliant and we're so proud of it. But it's still a good month and a half before it takes place, so hush hush and wait and see.

The hunter made me do it

I've felt hunted all week. Or the bigger part of it. Maybe Monday was hunt free. But it certainly started on Tuesday.

I think.

It escalated on Wednesday night, on MSN Messenger. Bombarded with questions that I didn't want to have to remember the answer for. I told a white lie and logged off, I had had enough. That caused three emails being sent around midnight. Both to my gmail AND my work email. WTF? Why?

I didn't bother until yesterday afternoon to open them, and I couldn't believe what I was reading and that there were questions I had already answered. I didn't reply.

Around midnight last night, three new emails. Again, sent both to my gmail AND work email. WHY?

Replied, short tone, copying his questions, writing my replies.

And then said I wouldn't be checking my emails over the weekend and won't be available for his harassment on Monday night either.

When he's done the address change (which he should have done a year ago at least), I'm tempted to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone forever. No good will come out of having him around.

But hopefully from now on and over the weekend, this hunted animal will get some peace and quiet.

IKEA tonight, it's as close as I can get to home here. And I need the feeling of looking at things that are familiar.

Something

changed over the weekend.

And on Tuesday.

The gloves are off

So I stopped being nice. Because the person in question don't deserve me being nice. So I just replied to that person's email, and said a few things I had on my mind. It felt good, and I actually hope that that person will get angry with me for it. Seeking conflict like a prostitute seeking customers on a Tuesday night, when the stars are out and it's a nice evening.

New Years happened, it was the best celebration of the shifting of months, which in the December/January shift, means shifting of years.

Jamaica happened, it was a week of doing NOTHING. Except getting drinks from the bar, food from the restaurant, reading, enjoying being with family. The only difficult questions were of the type

"Which drink should I order now?"

I want to go back to Jamaica, but not on an all-inclusive holiday. It was irie.

But oh man, was there a lot of North Americans, and they are exhausting. Loud and obnoxious and... you know, just being themselves... I wonder if I've become English enough to be all annoyed with the American accent, it sounds horrible. And because they're so loud, you can't escape it. Not irie.

Anyhoo, 2010 is here, and it started with changes. Stay tuned for the winds of change, whistling like the Scorpions, put your seat belt on so you don't end up on the bonnet with fractures and stuff.

cha cha cha